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Cake tasting, and other bizarre rituals of the to-be-wedded

Posted on Mar 2, 2013 by in Him

Cake tasting. We are tasting cake. A gregarious-yet-serious man sits across from us, deftly scooping up bits of cake and icing with a nimble, practiced wrist. Everything was adjectives I would rarely apply to food. Light, fluffy, delicate, airy. Except the chocolate, which was like a Hoth ion cannon of richness right to the tongue. A feather across the tongue. That was citrus. The gentle brush of a kitten. That was the carrot. Boom. Chocolate.

“Let’s sketch out your cake.” Do what to the who now? Sketch a cake? I thought the only verbs applicable to cake were bake, eat, and wreck. Ok, let’s sketch a cake! Scribble scribble.

Fondant! I learned a new word! And this bakery makes buttercream icing that looks like fondant. Do we call it icing? Is it icing or frosting? What’s the difference? I don’t know. I’m more of a pie man. You don’t like cake? I do like cake, but I tend to stay away from the frosting.

Ok, we need to rate the different cakes on a scale from 1 to 10. But how do we calibrate the scale? If I say “1” am I saying “that tastes like dog poo,” or am I saying that it’s my least favorite of these multiple cakes that all taste like angels dancing on my tongue? You rated that one 4?! I love it! But … 4 doesn’t mean I hate it, it just means I don’t like it as much as this other one! Oh, so you like it? It’s like a rejoicing army marching down Main Street in my mouth. So, uh, you like it? I do.

How did I get here?

Hey, do we want customized beach balls or a piñata? I dunno, how much does the corntoss set cost? While we’re at it, don’t forget the bibs. Oh, right! The bibs. Hey how many strings of lights do we want. Do they rent platforms too? We might need one because of the hill.

There are hills in Florida? Not really, but there are on this lot. But the lot is in Florida. It’s true. Did you know the tallest building in Florida is twice as tall as the highest land in Florida?

I’m sitting in a meeting thinking about tie colors.

What do you want your ring to look like? I … I don’t know. A ring. I want silver-colored. You don’t want silver because it tarnishes. I don’t want silver, I want silver-colored. Oh! You want a white ring, rather than gold. I … yes? What style? What styles are there? There are bevels and two-tone, brushed .. pretty much anything you want, unless you want a nontraditional metal. If you want that, you can only get what’s in the book. Oh! Doggies! Giant pretty doggies!

Let’s order the corntoss set. Should we sign up for the iPhone app too? Yes!

He told me we had remarkably consistent branding for our wedding. That’s both awesome and disturbing. I know.

I’ve been on this planet a little over 38 years, and in the last year I’ve learned entirely new vocabulary, even sentence structure I never knew existed. Enjoy it.

It’s hilarious. You must be freaking out with all this wedding talk.

No. It’s worth it. Every minute. Every second.